365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred ninety-three ~ Trees and Tents with Violet

Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet.  Violet. 

Daughter.  Sister.  Loved.  Missed.  Not forgotten.  Remembered.

I remember the first time I saw Violet's name.  I remember reading her story.  I remember thinking, "Wow.  I can't imagine losing a child."  Then I realized I knew nothing about that, can't imagine.  As I read about Violet through her mothers blog Still Playing School I kept seeing the abundant love her family had for her and how they would not let her be forgotten.  I remember when I read Grief stops you in your tracks and the air was sucked out of the room.  I thought about my drawings.  I contacted Devany that night.  I knew I had to draw Violet.  And she asked me to give her a gift only an artist could give her.  A drawing of all THREE her children.  Absolutely.  Why didn't I think of that.   She posed the LeDrew crew with the blanket and I used an existing photo of Violet, melded the photos together and set to work with pencils in hand.

I asked Devany to share about Violet, in her words:

The thought of writing something that sums up our daughter Violet reminds me of how I marveled about her arrival before she was born. How do we fit a life time of love into the brief time she'll have with us? How do I condense into text all that I have to say about her, the journey of meeting her, her short but beautiful time with us, and all that has happened since she died?

I remember when I realized after Violet died that I could still mother her. I had been very frantic to "do it all" while she was still breathing but after she was gone I realized that I had been mothering her while I was still pregnant and I was mothering her still. I raise her siblings to remember her, I share her with the world, I create for her, and I write. It's not the way I imagined spending time with my second daughter but I welcome the opportunity to continue to be her mother for the rest of my life just like I was for the entirety of hers.

This is where amazing people like you come in. Friends who I had known for decades disappeared while people I hardly knew flocked to my side to witness this journey and all that evolves from it. They lift us up on the most heartbreaking days, the make us smile and cry with their memories and thoughts of her, and they remember her too. That is the greatest gift they can give.

I could write for the rest of my life about Violet (and I WILL) but I will never be able to convey in words what this drawing means to me. With tears in my eyes I can tell you this: You've given me something that I could never had otherwise. You've given me a picture of our three children together. You've also given me so much more. You've gifted us with the opportunity to watch the process of them come to life through your art. It is stunning to me that the drawing resonates with their laughter and sparkling eyes like a photograph never could. And you've given me your friendship. You've carried some of this burden of life long grief along beside me and you've placed Violet in your heart forever. Thank you for sharing her with me and the world.

"Mother of Three"

Thank you Devany for allowing me to draw your beautiful babies, one in heaven, two on earth.  Thank you for giving me more understanding of a grieving mother.  Thank you for sharing Violet with me.

You can read about the beginning of my journey with Violet here.

Find the music by Carla Bruni "Tout Le Monde" translation here

Violet and the rest of the LeDrew crew

No more posts until the reveal!!!

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred eighty

Almost finished!!!!!!!!!!!!

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred seventy-eight

Getting there.  Still not quite satisfied. A few things I still need to make changes.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred seventy-seven

Getting there.  Background and blanket work today.  Coming together very nicely.  I still see work on E's jaw that I can't let rest.  Also more work on eyes. 

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred seventy-six

Wasn't afforded too much time to work today, was a rough day in the kids nap department.  Mostly filled in background.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred seventy-five

Making corrections here and there, adding more layers to the background.  Still more work to do.  Shooting for the end of the month.  Not going to let it go before I am satisfied.  Like I said, shooting for the end of the month.

This past weekend we visited our chosen family in the mountains, it was a great time and under better circumstances, and around the fire pit it was so much quieter.  Still the talking went late into the night but it was still quieter.  I lay in bed late last night unable to fall asleep.  I was thinking of how much quieter camp is now that Houd is gone.  There are more silences than any of us would prefer.  More of us are sharing jokes just to keep Houd on our minds, but it is definitely quieter without him.  As I let the silent tears roll off my cheeks wetting my pillow I heard a door close in our house.  Feeling a bit fearful since it was clearly the sound of a door shutting but not being able to discern where the sound originated I woke my husband.  He awoke with a start and searched the inside and out of the house.  Checked all the doors, none were closed that were previously open.  Then I thought of Houd again.  Then Joel.  Then Lindsay.  Then Violet. 

"Seriously... Let's just all go to heaven already"

M. Rollman

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-nine

Getting closer to completion, working on Violets beautifully handmade crocheted hat, tones and shadows on little faces and filling in background.  Still have lots of corrections and details to add.  The blanket will be the next large item on the list.  Hoping the LeDrew clan in my drawing is looking like them in real life!!

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-eight *bonus

Wasn't going to get any sleep until I fixed some shading.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-eight

Still have more lightening to do around E's mouth but the smile looks better!  See a few other places I want to fix, finish the background, work on the blanket and Violets hat.  Hoping to be complete before July begins.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-seven

After a much needed break from everything, I am back at it.  I am finding it a bit more difficult to stick to my resolution of drawing every day now that it is summer.  Tons of things to do besides dealing with grief from the recent passing of two friends recently.  Having feelings about my own past, coming to terms with past and present events has been weighing heavily on me.  My thirty-fourth birthday was Friday the 13th (I was in fact BORN on Friday the 13th), full moon accompanied my special day.  I decided to attend a guided and channeled meditation.  Finally feeling cleared of all my expectations, negative feelings and guilt I carry around, I am feeling better, more focused and less stressed. 

I still wasn't fully happy with E's lips so I set to work on them, as well as D and E's eyes and background. Besides Violets hat, she is pretty well complete.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-three

Thinking of Neil today, and thinking of my Pap, and Violet, and Joel, and Lindsay, and my Nan.  Thinking of the Brubakers and the Engroffs and Leigh.  Thinking of all my beloved friends and family that have passed today and THEIR loved ones that passed.  Do I only draw deceased?  No, I don't.  I draw dogs, butterflies, frogs, wolves, Jimi Hendrix and babies across wide seas. And I do draw deceased.  It feels morbid sometimes and other times healing.  There is a certain morbidity that comes with death, but also a remembrance of fond times and the beautiful souls that once touched our lives.  Do I missed my loved ones?  Of course.  That is why this year I draw them.  And I am fitting in a special friend that has the most b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l birthmarks I have ever seen.  I love it.  I wish I had more freckles on my face.  You are beautiful.  There is beautiful everywhere.  Just have to open your eyes.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-one *bonus

Could NOT leave her little lips in such disarray.  I believe I have them mostly straightened out.  For now.  I already see changes I want to make to D and E!  Violet seems to be the only one that I am  most content with at this time.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty-one

Still working on E's lips and mouth.  Immensely dissatisfied.  Tones, shadows, lines I am not finding suitable and will keep working that area until I am happy with it.  Uninterrupted time is eluding me....I hope to get some solid one on one time with her.  With all the textures, patterns, the least of my worries was lips.  Ha.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred sixty

Still working on E's tones.  Happy with Violet and D's faces for now.  Lighting went all dark on me.  I love me some LOUD thunderstorms.  Here is to hoping for a righteous storm complete with thunder and lightening.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred fifty-nine

Making corrections to facial features today, trying to get the shadows just "so".  D's face is starting to look great, Violets only needs small fixes and E's face tones need lightened.  Wanting to feel content with their faces before I forge ahead with background.  Was thinking about you all that attended the Sweet Pea Sisters and Brothers Picnic yesterday.  Love to all.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred fifty-eight

More layering of tones.  Working on darkening and catching up the lighter shades as well.  Started to fill in the background and hair. 

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred fifty-six

Adding more layers of darker tones here and there.  Worked late last night which I try not to do since the lighting isn't as good as is during the day.  I have to use an extra lamp to see and prefer to make minor changes.  My husband loathes the extra lamp due to the immense glare it creates on the television.  Pfffft.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred fifty-five

Worked mostly on the blanket surrounding Violet and her hat.  Trying out textures, techniques and it is going to just take time.  Like most things of value in life.  Probably this is my most challenging drawing yet.  Taking normal to a whole new level.

365 days of drawing ~ day one hundred fifty-four

Started D's pants and the blanket.  Fixed up E's lips for now and added more hair.  Completed more shading.  I love drawing.  Even on my worst days it takes me away, far away.  I get lost in my subjects eyes, find myself smiling with them and hear their giggles fading away.