Dear Departed Drawings ~ Trees and Tents with Lucia

I met Lucias mother, Angie,  March 8, 2014.  I attended a poetry reading and book signing at Mulberry Art Studios for To Linger on Hot Coals.  I was there for Violet and her mother, Devany who was reading her poetry and one of the authors signing books.  I went by myself, sat alone and immersed myself in the baby loss community while listening to strong women express their emotions.  It took my breath away.  After the readings, four of the poetry contributors gathered to sign books, answer questions and offer support.  I felt really awkward, it was my first time meeting Violets mother and being inside the studio.  While I was busy blending in with my surroundings I kept feeling drawn to Lucias mother, Angie, from the first minute I saw her.  I too was feeling grief and felt very at home with all these grieving families because it was six days after the first anniversary of my dear friend Houds death.  We spoke just a handful of words between us that day as she signed my book.  I could not look away from her and kept wondering about her, how mysterious.  

Later I discovered she was the owner of the Moon + Stone Healing which immediately drew my interest.   I saw on her Facebook healing page that she was offering tarot card pulls to the first 10 responders.  *hand raise*  I posted the card she pulled and her explanation on the blog that day.  After that insightful day we again crossed paths at the MUM expo a few weeks later in passing.  I began finding out all kinds of wonderful things about Angie.  I began attending classes that sparked my intrigue at Alta View Wellness Center and eventually I was added to her friends list on Facebook.   I didn't find out about Lucia until October 15th 2014 when Angie posted a photo of her altar for Dia de Los Muertos.  Which by the way I had not really seen a Day of the Dead altar prior to this.  

The day of the dead intrigues me and I love the concept.  I've always loved the skulls and beautiful decorations but after Lucias mama posted the photo I immediately started researching the history.  I love this particular sites explanation.  I then contacted Angie directly in December as Lucias birthday December 22nd approached.  She led me to her blog Still Life with Circles where I read about Lucia.  Immediately immersed with Lucia and her story.  I grieved right along with Angie.  And then I knew Lucia was to be after Kole.   I chose to draw this photo of Lucia and the clay meditation mama that Angie made because this mama was not only leaving behind her baby but the clay statue she made with all her good intentions and hopes for her daughters precious life.  She is complete and beautiful.  

Since then Angie has enriched my life far beyond what I could imagine.   I've learned so much about crystals and seen so many beautiful crystal grids that have inspired me to learn to batik.  I now make beautiful crystal grids and they are always being put to good use by Angie and Alta View!

Angie held a New Moon Circle for setting intentions and releasing things that no longer serve.  It was such a healing three months for me.  I know I still have lots of learning and healing to do with myself, but now I have some tools to help me.  She walked alongside of me through the whole journey and the other women in the circle.  She continues to amaze me.  I've picked up little tidbits of useful knowledge from her nearly everyday.  Discovering new recipes like Golden Milk, learning to de-feather a bird, how to make gem water, finding out about Ayurveda, seeing my spirit guide for the first time, showing me Visual Quest which I am promptly signing up for this year, to name just a few.  I've learned about myself, about Lucia, what its like grieving a stillborn baby.  Angie has given me a crystal healing, which connected us and was simply amazing.  She has gifted me my own set of crystals to use for my grief work and taught me how to release all those emotions, grief and loss that I pull in to channel my portrait subjects.  I am so blessed to know her and be allowed to draw Lucia for her and her family.  Thank you Angie, for inviting me in and letting me be a part of your world.  Lucia is one of the most challenging portraits I've done to date.  A real pleasure to be able to provide her family with a beautiful drawing of her divine beauty.

I've asked Angie if there is anything she has to say.....anything she wants to share....
In Angies words:

"Over six years ago, my daughter Lucia Paz, named after Light and Peace, died inside of me. Thirty-eight weeks pregnant, labor started, then stopped, and started again. Her movements slowed, and I prepared for her. I rubbed oil into my belly, and sang her songs about the Earth. I frantically cleaned, and hung a hammock from the beams in our home, to ease labor. I wrapped it around my body, and eased the pressure in my back. I don't think I ever felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant with my second daughter.

I have pictures of those days before she died. My husband making a huge big pot of French Onion soup, smiling at the camera, readying for his second daughter. My twenty-month old daughter Beatrice with my husband's stethoscope trying to find a heartbeat that already stopped, us oblivious. Me, belly out, tired and ready to be a mama again. After two days of stilted labor, she felt limp in my belly. I would lift her in my tummy, rearrange her, and she wouldn't respond. When I noticed that, we went into the hospital. They told us she died and made me stare that at the hauntingly motionless ultrasound picture. "We are sorry. She passed away." The doctor said. No heartbeat. No kicks. No daughter at Christmas.

It was Winter Solstice, and I never left the hospital. They wheeled me into the labor and delivery area where I stayed for 24 hours of heartbreakingly torturous labor, talking to a ministerial nurse who played through this new reality over and over. I told her Buddhist folktales, and we cried together often. She just abided in my grief, and stayed still, and told me that I would make meaning from this. She told me to take pictures, but I didn't realize I'd want good pictures. No one mentioned professional photographers, or the service I now recommend to everyone--Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. My husband and I snapped some strange pictures of each other crying and holding her, and others with her in a bassinet, blood still staining the blankets. She had died sometime in the days before we found out. I was too busy and contracting too much to notice her movements slowed. And anyway, I had read baby slows down before birth. (That is not true, by the way.)

When we came home, I used to look at the pictures over and over again. But my husband could not look. She was so bruised, covered with thick vernix. Her lips were bright red from the blood pooling in the head after death. And the skin on her eyelids were peeling off. To Sam, she looked too dead. To me, she looked like my family, my nose, dark skin, and wild gypsy black hair. I asked to put a photograph of her in the house, and my husband refused. It was too much, he said. And so, she became my daily secret ritual. I snuck into the office and just stared at her on the screen. I had one photograph of her in our home, a photograph of me pregnant with Lucia at 28 weeks, my husband's hands wrapped around my waist.

I began painting her and I together. Me holding her in a hospital gown. Me as the Virgin Mary holding her. Me carrying her. But it wasn't the same. I stopped looking at the pictures of her. It was part of her death that I regretted--good photographs. Last year, I met Amanda at a reading for the book To Linger on Hot Coals. Then our paths kept crossing. Finally, she asked to see a picture of Lucia. Most of my family had not seen pictures of Lucia Paz, and I couldn't decide if I should or should not share them. It felt like exposing the most tender part of myself, leaving my most vulnerable places in me open to the sky. And yet, I trusted her. She asked if she could draw Lucia. I was both terrified and honored and sad and excited. This path unfurling in front of me was one I simply had to take. I agreed.

Watching my daughter come to life has been one of the most profoundly amazing experiences of my life. Six years ago, she was taken away from me, and in a small way, I feel like Amanda gave me part of her back. Finally, I have a picture of her that looks like the baby I saw on Winter Solstice 2008. That looks like the baby I held, and the baby I see in my mind's eye. With my son's nose, and my daughter's forehead, and all the bits from both of us--Lucia Paz--this amazingly beautiful drawing is who she is. As the picture developed, it is like she was talking through Amanda, showing herself to me, popping out, "Peek-a-boo." I cried nearly every time I saw the blog pop up on my feed. It often caught me off guard, and I admit felt strange, sometimes violating, and then quickly moved to comforting.

"Here I am, Mama," my little lady bug whispered. "Always here with you."

Day one of Lucias portrait starts here

Dear Departed Drawings ~ Alice 14

Finally back at it again!  Lucia is complete and will be revealed soon!  I've been working on Alices fur and Vaydas hair the last few days.  There is an immense amount of detail in the bright sun on them both.  I look forward to getting back into a routine with drawing again.  As of late I've decided to only post my progress every two or three days rather than every day.  My intention (or resolution as you might call it) for 2015 was balance.  I am striving to balance my time equally with my husband, children, friends, tie dye, drawing, homesteading and housework.  (Note: Housework is last on the list)  I realized that an every day post while initially was great for getting me back on track with drawing, it is now time to thin out the work load by not making a daily post.  I will still draw daily or as routinely as possible, just not post on the blog every day.

Other things I've been up to includes healing my inner child.  Three months ago I attended a New Moon Circle at Alta View Wellness Center led by Angie (Lucias mother).  We crafted Native American medicine bundles to hold and help manifest our goals and dreams using herbs, crystals and totems under the new moon.  This sacred work tested me in ways I had not dreamed. Since I was 18 years old and realized there were some things I needed to change about myself, things I did not like and did not make me feel good about myself, I set out to make changes.  I went out and made discoveries about life and relationships.  Experienced new people and places.  Soaked in wisdom from all types of people, observed behaviors and mannerisms.  Then later in life, nine years ago, I spent two years in marriage counseling with my husband and started learning about my inner child or shadow warrior.  The voice that was getting increasingly louder since the day my husband and I married.  Four years ago my first child was born and my inner child was continually getting louder and becoming increasingly protective as time passed.  At the beginning of 2015 I attended a class and meditation about healing the inner child.  It was an amazing experience where I was able to find out at what age my inner child formed and began protecting itself.  For me it was at age five.  During the meditation I was able to disconnect from past hurts, connect with my loved ones who provided me comfort and even hug myself at five years old.  I felt the warmth and love radiate from the Virgin Mary and the journey to healing myself was well underway.  Then the New Moon Circle in March kicked off intense inner work.  I was faced with all this emotion I had pushed aside and deep down inside myself was now brimming and overflowing.  I traced all this back to old fears I had developed as a child.  I released at every new moon and full moon cycle for the next three months.  And even opened my medicine bag and added to my original intention.  During these past three months I have turned very much inward to look deep into my emotions to find the source, acknowledge, thank my inner child for protecting me and tell myself I got this.  While I will be faced with these situations again in the future, I can now react with more wisdom, clarity and patience.  Last night we released our medicine bundles in the New Moon Circle.  It felt sad and happy at the same time.  This little bundle full of my intentions, herbs and crystals I had carried with me every day, slept with under my pillow every night was now finished.  I couldn't have done this serious intense inner work without help from Angie (Lucias mother), my husband and my friend Gabi.

It is so amazing to be helped and healed by the same people I am healing with my drawings.  I can honestly say every single person I've drawn a portrait for has taught me important lessons, inspired me deeply in so many ways.  I am grateful for you.

Dear Departed Drawings ~ Lucia 13

Feeling satisfied with Lucias face for now.  Worked mostly on her blankets today.  Yesterday I felt so fatigued and sleepy, so I took the opportunity to rest and renew.  Nobody wins when the artist works while fatigued.  I think Friday was so magnificent and healing that I needed a day to recover.

Lucias mother, Angie, from The Moon + Stone Healing is a Usui Reiki Master Teacher, Advanced Crystal Master and Certified Crystal Healer.  I made an appointment for a crystal healing to see what its all about.  I am very curious in nature and love to experience new things, we can learn so much from others.   When I arrived at Alta View Wellness Center I was greeted by serene and relaxing music, quiet and peaceful atmosphere.  I had the chance to review the selection of crystals, handmade jewelry and other local artisan crafters on display.  Then I was whisked away into a beautiful room (one of the many beautiful rooms there - massage, reiki and other offerings are also available) full of beautiful crystals.  I noticed a beautiful crystal grid layout under the spacious and luxurious table.  The pillow was so fluffy!  Angie made me feel at home and comfortable.  We chatted a bit beforehand about my expectations, things I wanted to work through and what the process entails.  We started by meditating and we carried the meditation through the whole session.  Angie started by checking my chakras health, then after receiving the information needed, she began laying crystals upon my body in a crystal layout.  I had an eye pillow covering my vision during the session and unfortunately could not watch this curious and wondrous work.  After she laid out the first round of crystals, I felt heavy and breathless.  Then the name LUCIA passed in front of my eyes (still closed, still dark, still under an eye pillow) all of a sudden I burst into tears, my whole body shaking.  Then after a minute I felt a calmness wash over me.  I felt it necessary to tell Angie about Lucia and the calmness that I experienced after.  She too acknowledged Lucias presence and pointed out Mother Mary and Magdalene had made their presence known too.  Mother Mary often comes to me during channeled meditations and last month I felt compelled to purchase a Mother Mary statue to compliment my Sacred Heart Jesus statue.  She anointed the crystal over my heart chakra with rose oil and continued.  I released (cried) a few more times during the crystal healing (which is normal) and when she finished we went over everything that happened.

One of the first things she told me was the layout she used and the crystals she used.  She proceeded to tell me all my chakras looked good.  A few were smaller but the crown, third eye and throat were open, so she just supported them while she worked with the others.  I was not unbalanced as I felt, but rather needed to open the channel connecting my chakras, if I understood correctly.   Then she asked me if I had been thinking of cutting my dreadlocks.  Yes, I had been considering trimming them, but hadn't yet because I felt I was doing a disservice to my friend Houd.  I had put them into dreadlocks just days after he decided to end his time here on earth and I was afraid if I cut them I would be somehow cutting that period of remembrance and memories out of me.  Angie told me the message came through during my healing that if I wanted to cut my hair that it was okay to do.  Clearly my friend Houd was there too (it felt like him anyway) telling her these things.  She also told me a bald man with a bit of hair above his ears and a belly called me Mandy, told me he loved me and was always with me.  I immediately felt this was my Pap.  I'd been waiting for a long time to hear something from him, anything.  My spirit guide, the most stunning, strong and motherly native american woman you've ever seen, made herself known to Angie and communicated to her spirit guide.  We discussed many other things and she showed me so many beautiful crystals and messages during our session.  At the close she asked me which chakras I'd like to work with and before I could answer she took the words right out of my mouth.  The crown, third eye and throat was her recommendation.  She pulled out three beautiful crystals for me to work with and sent me home with a bag of bath salts.   I cried and cried on the way home, thinking of my Pap.  I'd waited so long to hear from him, I miss him so.

My crystal healing was amazing, I felt great when she was finished.  I was tired the day after but I think that is probably normal recovery as with any type of healing or exercise.  I write this out for you knowing not everyone believes in God, crystal healings or the spirit worlds existence.  That is okay with me, but understand I write this, because it happened and I must speak my truth.  I cannot cover myself up anymore because of what others believe or don't believe.  This is my experience with crystal healing and yours will doubtfully be exactly like mine if you decide to get one.  It was amazing and beautiful and healing and everything I always thought it would be.


So I trimmed my hair today...

I feel lighter and stronger and ready for this year.  Things are getting real.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Kole {day 374}

December 18, 2008

"Time is of the essence. We need a miracle. People keep asking us what they can do for us, for Christmas or just day-to-day. All we want is prayer in Jesus' name. We wholeheartedly believe in miracles. We've seen them happen in families and friends around us. We've read about them in the Bible. We believe there is an evil that is trying to keep it's stronghold on our son, and know that the Lord is mightier. We believe He and only He can take this ravenous disease out of our son. Make him whole again. We believe. We believe.
Please believe and pray with us. Know that the prayers you say for us do reach His ears. The prayers you have said for us, mommy and daddy, have kept us strong. We have been drawn into the Lord the last couple days more than ever. There have been people placed in our path that we know specifically were put there by God. We believe His will will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. We know there is no cancer in Heaven. We know this means our son is healed by the stripes of Jesus. We look forward to giving the morphine (to keep Kole comfortable) back to the pharmacy and telling them WE DON'T NEED IT. And telling them not to bother calling the hospice, WE DON'T NEED IT. OUR BOY IS HEALED.
We invite you to attend the healing service at Harvest Chapel in Abbottstown this Saturday night to witness God's miracle with your own eyes. The more the merrier, for one voice on earth is 1,000 in Heaven. We cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives with our son and give all the glory to Him.
God bless you all."


December 25, 2008

"Our family wishes you all a very Merry Christmas. We extend our appreciation to all, for in one way or another, you all have touched us and made our days more comfortable and worthwhile.
Thank you Jesus for each wonderful day with our boy.
Kole is thriving more in his home setting, I believe, than he would be in the hospital. We are keeping his fevers under control, he is slightly more tired than normal, but other than the occasional belly-ache and diarrhea, he is doing quite well right now. We encourage everyone who wants to see him to please arrange it with us, you are more than welcome to stop by if you are healthy.
We are heading to the Strasburg Railroad tomorrow, Kole has been asking to go for days. Let me know if you are interested in coming along/meeting us there. Our intention is to get there to make the noon run, followed by the Choo Choo Barn tour.
Again, have a wonderful holiday season. We can't express enough thanks."

December 31, 2008

"We want everyone to know that we are hanging tough and we've got our armor on, ready to fight into the new year. Praise the Lord. Kole is sleeping comfortably tonight between his daddy and I, and I praise Him and give thanks for another day. Thanks to the Bocanegras for the Bible Study and the invaluable spiritual guidance. We are practicing with our new tongues.
As always, let us know if you'd like to visit Kole, or even us for that matter. Anyone healthy welcome. We have been enjoying the quality time spent with our families and friends. Thanks for the homecooked meals and Christmas presents. This otherwise difficult time of year was quite blessed.
Happy New Year to All and Spreading God's Peace and Love"

January 2, 2009

"Just wanted to keep everyone posted on what's been going on with Kole this week. Ever since Sunday/Monday, he has been complaining more and more about his belly, exclaiming, "My tummy hurts mommy". This pain seemingly coorelated with his bowel movements, so we weren't too concerned at first. He continued to run some occasional fevers, but overall his pain was controlled with Tylenol and Ibuprofen. However, Tuesday night, we became more concerned after noticing that he wasn't wanting to eat as much (he continued to drink very well - we have been pressing our own fruit and vegetable juice smoothies for him). He complained more and more of the tummy aches to the point where he was in serious distress. He would touch his right side, where his liver is, when he cried. We called our hospice nurse because his abdomen was BULGING and we were worried. He looked pregnant. He had blue veins like roadmaps all over his abdomen. We thought maybe he had a bowel obstruction, which could cause all the belly-bulge, but after the nurse came, she said she heard plenty of bowel movement, his temperature was fine, his blood pressure was fine, and his lungs were fine. There wasn't much she could do at that point in the middle of the night, but recommended we start giving the morphine we were sent home with more regularly. We got a visit from another hospice nurse the following day, Wednesday, and she agreed that he was "fine", i.e. vitals are all okay. We kept Kole on his steady morphine dose, every four hours, and struggled watching him suffer. He avoided laying on his belly at all costs and just wanted to be held all the time. One of my best friends, Tasha, who is a nurse, came over to hang out with us on New Years Eve as we held Kole and watched him sleep a lot. She asked about his abdomen, because it is quite alarming to look at, to see what the hospice nurses had said. I said I wasn't sure what they were planning on doing about it, and she recommended that we call the doctor (Kole's oncologist here at Hershey). Tasha swore up and down that it was ascites, which is fluid buildup inside the abdominal cavity, due to end-stage liver disease. As time passed, the belly got bigger, and bigger, Kole got more uncomfortable, wasn't walking much, tired all the time, not eating, his legs and feet were swelling up, and as you laid your hands on his belly you could feel "bubbles" or "waves" inside. He enjoyed being in the bath to alleviate the weight. Last night, we were alarmed when we heard a loud rumbling from inside the abdominal cavity, and Kole said, "Oh, my....I just burped." But he didn't burp. The sound was, like, trapped inside. So we paged the doctor, and she called us back directly at like 10:30pm. We had been planning on bringing Kole to Hershey on Monday, but we didn't feel like we could wait that long. We were given free, VIP-suite passes to the Sesame Street Live - Elmo Grows Up show at the Giant Center this Sunday (yay!!!), and we are bound and determined to find a way to make Kole more comfortable to be able to enjoy it. We found out that ascites can actually be relieved by paracentesis, where they drain the fluid out surgically. The doctor said that she needed to do an ultrasound, so here we are at Hershey today. We had an ultrasound at 11 that confirmed a very large amount of ascites within Kole's abdomen. His weight is up 2 kgs, which is guesstimated to be around one liter of fluid buildup inside his body. To get a clear mental picture, it's like he is carrying around a 5-6 pound bag of sugar on his belly. They followed-up with an xray to check the lungs, which looked pretty good. There was a small amount of pleural fluid in the lungs, but the doctor said that could be a result of the fluid from below pushing up, and if we can get the fluid out, this will probably go away. His lungs still sound very good and clear. Also, they saw from the ultrasound, that even though there is a large amount of fluid which has resulted from his disease, the tumor itself and the surrounding lymphnodes do not appear to have grown much, there isn't much difference since December 15th. Praise the Lord for he hears our prayers!
The next step after the scans today was Kole had blood drawn to check and see if his liver clotting function is okay, in case he would need to have a surgical procedure. Turns out his liver clotting platelets are low, and will have to be replenished before he can have the procedure. Right now, he is in his room on 7 west receiving this transfusion, and he is taking a nap with daddy. We are waiting for the pizza he ate earlier today to digest as well, he needs an empty stomach for the procedure. The  doctor really brainstormed for us, and seems to work us into busy schedules, what a miracle worker. A parentesis to drain ascites in a small two year old hasn't been done before. This makes me a little nervous. The doctor said the procedure will have to be ultrasound-guided, so they know what they're "hitting" when they go in. They will also need an anesthesiologist there as well as the person performing the surgery. The well known peds surgeon here, isn't here for a few days. And we don't have the luxury of time at this point. So the job has been handed over to Dr. Bob. We love Dr. Bob anyways. He was one of Kole's original doctors when we arrived here in the PICU, with Dr. Ceneviva. Dr. Bob worked for several years at St. Judes, and is familiar with this procedure, and feels confident performing it on Kole. After seeing Kole today, they all feel that this is a worthwhile attempt to make him more comfortable, as he is otherwise still doing quite well. They are on uncertain ground, so they aren't sure how long the relief will last, will it be days or weeks? He may need to be "drained" again if the fluid reaccumulates, so I think they plan on keeping the catheter in, at least intially, in case this happens, it won't be invasive to go in a second or third time. Looks like we will be here at least until tomorrow, they do want to get this done as soon as possible, but of course they have to orchestrate quite a team to do it. So that's what we're waiting on. We pray this surgery goes well, that Kole gets the relief he deserves, that the Lord keeps this fluid from reaccumulating, and that Kole can enjoy seeing Elmo Live on Sunday. Praise the Lord!!!
Thanks to all praying for us, and a big hug to everyone helping with fundraisers. We love you so much even though we may not even know you that well. You are all doing such a special and selfless thing for us. We don't even know how we could ever say thank you enough, but, THANK YOU.
God Bless and I will keep everyone posted on the surgical outcome. "



I attended a crystal workshop at Alta View Wellness Center last night with a friend and learned about crystals and ways to "release" the grief and sadness I've taken in during the past year regarding Dear Departed  Drawings.  It felt like I had been holding it all since last January.  We were given crystals to use during the release meditation that we are able to keep and bring home with us - called a Mojo Bag.  I now have a few new crystals to use during a cleansing or clearing meditation after I am done drawing for the day.  Not sure why I didn't think of doing that before.  I also use crystals during meditation before I start drawing and keep a few near the drawing as I work.  I will take pictures and post information about my newest crystals soon.  Today I worked on little things here and there that I considered unfinished, darkening tones, adding shadows, defining lines.  We are getting closer and closer to completion.  I hear the sound of mylar balloons being jostled (Kole really loves balloons)

The beginning of Koles journey is here on Day 324