Dearly Departed Drawings ~ {day 400} ~ Trees and Tents with Kole

This boy.

I was sitting in my office at work in June 2008 doing paperwork and chatting with a coworker.  I don't remember how the subject got brought up,  but it did.  My coworker (also a friend) started telling me about her friend, Renee.  How she has this darling son.  The cutest, sweetest little boy.  I remember her telling me they found a tumor in his chest.  I remember her asking me to send positive vibes, prayers, good thoughts to this family.  My coworker would give me the updates weekly or even sometimes daily on Koles progress.  I knew all about this boy and his family.  Then the day came when this darling boy left our earth in January 2009.  My friend and coworker, coincidentally resigned from her position at my workplace just months later.  We haven't really spoken much since then.  

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed in September 2014 and a picture of a little boy showed up.  I dismissed it and kept scrolling.  This photo just kept popping up in my feed - for days.  I did not recognize the little boy, but I happened to see Renees name and memories started flooding back.  I DO know this little boy.  This is the little boy I heard so much about so long ago.  It was believable he is the little boy I had prayed for all those days.  Renee and I have some mutual friends and acquaintances, although we had not crossed paths prior.  I knew Kole was to be the last in my Dearly Departed Drawings.  I set about contacting his mother about drawing him.  Renee connected with me over Kole and since then I have read all about Koles journey, Renees journey.  Renee has shared some of her most private moments with me.  As I poured through photos of Kole, this one just sang out to me.  Loud and profound, full of emotion.  This is the photo I had hoped to draw.  It was not to be.  This photo was taken in June 2008, just a day before the tumor was found.  The memories are not of a happy time, but rather - regret.  "His eyes had huge bags and he had a grapefruit sized tumor in his chest and I couldn't figure it out. He was dying and I didn't know it because he was smiling. By the next day he couldn't breathe... "   


This portrait is my grand finale of my 365 days of drawing turned into Dear Departed Drawings. So far it is also the most detailed drawing of all five.  I also felt the most doubt, not just in my abilities but just the act of sharing Koles story.  I questioned the emotions I would trigger for Renee and many other people by reliving the days of Koles medical journey.  I received enough confirmation to know this drawing and Koles story was to be shared.

The photo Renee chose for me to draw was of Easter morning March 2008. Kole is 16 months old.

 "It was taken not long before we knew he was sick. he was always a joy in the mornings. he often woke up on his own and just played in his bed. he had done that on this morning, I awoke and could hear him in there talking to himself. so I got up and went to the fridge and got the eggs and started hiding them. I was eager to watch him search. I grabbed my camera and walked into his room with his basket to get him. It was cold outside so I hid the eggs inside. I just loved his face in the mornings."  

I asked Renee if she wanted to share on reveal day.  This is what she wrote for us.
Renee gets the last word:

"It has been a difficult season. Fall settles into a cold winter freeze that doesn't seem to leave my heart until spring. Every year passes and I go through my grief cycle. June- Koles diagnosis. July August September and October are like months of hope for me. Kole thrived. He surpassed the odds of continuing to grow and develop an astounding vocabulary and intelligence beyond his years while being inundated with the most toxic chemicals we as humans put in our bodies (willingly?). I love summer and fall for this very reason. I feel connected to my son and to hope itself. November- his birth. A season of sadness as Thanksgiving approaches (Kole deteriorated) and then Christmas (we weren't sure he would make it through the holiday). I kept praying he would stay. He would be with me and hold me into the New Year. He did. I prayed he'd be there to see my 29th birthday in February. He didn't. 

On Saturday January 10th, 2009, I got down on my knees, alone, beside Kole's bed, listening to him barely breathing and seeing what looked like a science project monster of what my child used to be. Kole hadn't eaten or drank in days and his kidneys and liver were shutting down. I screamed. On my knees. I'm certain the whole Hem-Onc unit heard my pleas. I couldn't take it one moment longer. Kole SHOULDNT have to take this one moment longer. He was tired. I was tired. I asked a God PLEEEEEASE!!!!! Please if you're planning on taking my only sweet child, please take him now. Soon. I broke. I gave in. I gave up. I didn't want to see Kole suffering any longer. I remember not being able to fall asleep after my breakdown in the hospital room. Light broke into the window of his room on the morning of Sunday January 11th, 2009, and I saw snow falling peacefully outside. I knew it was soon. I called everyone I could and told them if they wanted to see Kole one last time they needed to come. Come NOW. They did. Everyone who was an important part of Kole's life was there in the room with us. I decided I had had ENOUGH of not being able to hold my son, and I asked for help. Everyone pitched in and helped push and pull tubes out of the way and adjusted monitors so I could scootch-in under my son's limp, heavy body and embrace him like he deserved to be embraced. I remember placing his head under my chin, wrapping my arms around his chest, and feeling his small cold legs between mine. I clenched his body and felt his barely-there breaths. I wept. I prayed. I talked to him. I whispered softly, "Oh my sweet sweet boy. It's okay. It's okay. It's going to be okay. Mommy and daddy love you so very much. And it's okay. If there's someone here to take you away somewhere (my dad, his pappy had just passed away 10 months prior), (Jesus), (some other spirit guide/greeters), then go with them. It will be okay. We will see you again Kole. I love you Kole. You're a good boy Kole. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." I stroked him and tried to take in the smell of him. Rubbed my face in what was left of his hair. Smooched my face into his cheeks. Kissed his fuzzy ears. Held his cold hands. Felt his chest go up and down one more time above me. Then it stopped. Everyone in he room gasped and sucked the air out of the room. His eyes opened. "His eyes are open!" Everyone exclaimed. He was gone. 

I completely lost my composure and we got everyone to leave the room. This was how I lost my son. This is why the calendar year is so very hard for me. I hate January and I hate the winter months in general. I hate cancer. I blogged the whole way through our journey and it touched many lives. Kole touched many in his short 26 months here on earth. After the "dust settled" my husband became addicted to pain medication and lost his mental stability. I tried to move on with my life as best I could. I dove into my career, moved to Philadelphia and found out in 2011 that my ex husband had unsuccessfully hung himself. I got brought back into trauma. I distanced myself from his situation to save myself. It took three years and over $7000 but I got the divorce finalized and was able to feel a freedom I hadn't felt in years. I'm in a wonderful relationship now, almost 5 years, to the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. And not sure if any more children are in my future. This has been a tough pill to swallow. This life. I contemplate having more children. I have to examine the opposite possibility as well, that I may not. I've had to reflect deeply on what this means for me. My mothering instinct is so hearty, would I be satisfied with this life if Kole was the only child I was meant to have? I weighed it out. Pregnancy was amazing. I actually loved being pregnant. I felt so connected to the universe. As if fulfilling a duty. Kole was something special. I enjoyed every day with him. I lived for him. He taught me more in his 26 months here than any other experience I've had in my life. He made me happier than I've ever been in my life. If he were to be my only, would he be enough? I decided he would be. He was. If he is the only child I'll get to experience while on this Earth I will feel forever grateful. Would I enjoy having another child? Sure. You bet. Although it would be a mix of absolute elation and absolute terror. I will embrace it if it happens. I will not lay on my death bed with regret if it doesn't. My heart tells me adoption may be up my alley for the future..... 

This season is a difficult one. Amanda Johnson made it more bearable for me this year. I was contacted about a portrait and was hesitant. I had buried this for years. I don't look at videos and pictures much because it hurts. It was a real task for me when I was asked to pick a picture of Kole to be drawn. That meant unearthing the last 5 years. I realized it was time. I faced the pictures and videos with more grace than I expected. I even smiled. I SMILED. I especially smiled when I saw the picture of Kole on Easter morning that would be the replication. I knew this one was it. I could see it in his eyes. Amanda brought Kole to life before my eyes. Every day I actually looked FORWARD to seeing the progress. I was looking forward to seeing my son. I wasn't trying to avoid it. I made a lot of progress as she made progress on the drawing. It was very healing for me. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I am happy to share my story here and hope that anyone reading who has a similar situation in life or is struggling with pain and grief, cancer, or the loss of child, please get in touch with me. It feels so good to be able to talk and share and work through it. That is, when you're ready. I avoided writing this final farewell because it was almost like the end of a healing process for me. But all good things must come to an end. Kole came to me veerrryyyyy strongly in my dreams last night. I felt like I spent the whole night with him when I woke up this morning. Too bad the whole dream was in the hospital, but I'll take it. I think he's telling me I can do this. He kept saying "Mommy!" "Mommy!" I think he was telling me something. So there you go sweet boy. Mommy loves you and always will. I can't wait to see you."



The first day of Koles drawing and the start of his journey.....Day 324.

 

Listen for it..... 

"Momma!!??!??!" Jane - "she's coming!" "What is my momma doing today?!?!"

 

Time Lapse

Remembering Kole

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ {day 298} ~ Trees and Tents with Neil

Neil passed on a beautiful day, just before midnight.  Born on August 1st, 1982.  The school year was just ending and the boys were playing in the creek with a friend that afternoon.  Screams filled the air.  Neil was under the water and not visible, the fire company sent divers into the creek.  It took them 20 minutes to find him.  20 minutes under the water.  He was life flighted to the hospital where his family was told after being in the water so long he would probably have brain damage.  The elephant in the room now was the decision to set him free, liberate his soul or keep him here.  Neil made his own decision and passed just before midnight of his own accord.  June 12, 1990. 

Left: Neil - Right: Ben

Neil and Bens mother, Hank (Henriette), is like my second mother.  We've shared recipes, gardening, child rearing, arts and crafts, I could go on and on.   I was instantly accepted as family from the moment we met.  My husband introduced us, they were well acquainted long before I came along.  I was shown around, given the tour and proclaimed to be "the one" for my husband after visiting a few times.  Nestled in the beauty of the mountains, among campgrounds and forests is Camp.  I could live there all summer.  Surrounded by fields of queen annes lace, soft, squishy moss covered ground, roaring bonfires at night and laughter throughout the night as fireflies light in the fields.  A large pond on the property to swim, fish and ice skate upon in the winter.  Full of love, acceptance, kindness, giving, trust, is the owners - Hank and Dave.  We are like family.  I knew when Hank mentioned Neil to me - that I would draw him.  I had heard whispers and hushed stories of Bens brother - hearing it finally from Hank in the midst of my 365 days of drawing which led to day seven of starting a portrait for an acquaintance - I had decided then and there I would draw Neil.

This is what I do now when I can spare an hour. Dearly Departed Drawings.  I will never stop till I can no longer hold a pencil.  I love to draw and portraits are my favorite.  What better way to remember our loved ones, often only a photograph remains alongside our memories with an occasional memento.  There will always be death, it's part of life.  The year is almost over but I am just getting started.

Accidental death may be the epitome of evil. 

It is senseless. There is no one to blame. 

There is no way to think it through.

You can read about the beginning of my journey with Neil here.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 294}

Can you hear the giggles?  The whispers?  Can you hear them?  I can.  Almost finished.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 293}

Getting closer every time.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 291}

Very pleased.  My hard work is paying off.  I can't even wait - it is looking so beautiful.  Neil.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 290}

Background and minor fixes.  In the last stretch now.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 289}

Darkening the door and making small adjustments to lonely lines.  It's coming together.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 287}

Feeling much happier about the moulding behind Neil.  Still lots of work on the door and moulding behind Ben.  More tones to adjust and then this masterpiece will be complete. 

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 286}

Fixing up the moulding and door behind the boys.  Completion is nearing.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 285}

I see a few corrections I'd like to make, not happy with the moulding behind Neil and I have more darkening to do on Ben's shirt, arms and pants.  Still have work to do on the door and moulding behind Ben.

Today I happened across a conversation about candy.  Squeezing Twizzlers, smashing kit kats and only buying Brachs candy corn.  Twizzlers immediately brought me back to the candy drawer my Grandpa Engroff had in his bedroom.  A chest of drawers by his beside held all kinds of treasures but the second drawer from the bottom held Twizzlers and candy bars and tootsie roll pops, oh my!  Twizzlers are Grandpas favorite - black Twizzlers to be exact but the drawer held both flavors!  The memories flooded my head and heart as I recalled spending time with my grandparents and cousins.  My grandparents are on the portrait list.  I miss my Grandma and Grandpa.

For the record, I am also a Twizzlers squeezer (black is my favorite), kit kat smashing is sacrilege in the candy world and candy corn is disgusting (I try a piece every year just to remind myself I don't like it).  One day I will take so many photos of my grandchildren that they fill my whole closet, I will have every battery you would ever need in my dresser drawer (just in case), an entire drawer devoted to Twizzlers, candy bars and tootsie roll pops, fill my freezer with cookies and cream ice cream, go to all the grandchildrens sporting events, art shows and recitals and love on them just like my grandparents did on me.  True story.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 283}

Here, there, additions, subtractions.  Adding layers, darkening and lightening.

Yesterday I was reminded of where I started my artist journey.  As a 7 or 8 year old I attended a summer camp every year.  Camp Innabah.  I have oodles and oodles of memories, canoeing, hiking, playing, discovering nature and making art.  Camp Innabah offered many different camping programs, lasting a week and nearly all involved some type of crafting.  I distinctly remember making my very first tie dye shirt there in Eggleston Hall.
 

Eggleston Hall was the building at Camp Innabah that held all the crafting and art projects.  It also held the end of the week camp celebration - singing, laughing, merry making and fun.  I spent and enjoyed many hours of crafting here.  After I turned 16 I returned to Camp Innabah as the Art Directors assistant, the best summer of my life.  The Art Director happened to be a Dead Head, wore lots of tie dyes and had a lady bug tattoo on her big toe.  Having wonderful taste in clothing, music and hobbies - you can say she was my first inspiration.

Recently I have been told that Camp Innabah had deemed the building no longer structurally sound.  Very saddened upon hearing this news I was contacted by an old friend whom managed to obtain me some wood from my beloved building that contributed to my talent and beginning of my love for art.  I cannot wait to receive this precious gift and give it a prominent place in my home.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 282}

Background and slight changes where ever I see them.  This is the first portrait I started, stopped halfway and started over again.  It felt right, I trust that the timing is as intended.  I've started the studying stage where the portrait sits in my living room, full view.  I can't look away.  When I have time I put the actual photo next to it and just gaze, trying to see where I need to make corrections.  This process usually takes about a week. 

Recently Tye Dye Bills was awarded the Artist of the Month for the Deadhead Art Alliance!  Truly an honor every time we are recognized.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 281}

Working on background, then small details left to clean up over the whole portrait.  Almost finished.

Today is Poppas 65th birthday.  I am not able to start his portrait on his birthday but I hope to start soon.  I've been thinking a lot about him lately.  Not just because he is next on my list, but because he is the oldest head I know.  Tie dye wearing, comedic relief, set list keeper, camping fool, drumming circle, party loving, drama-free zone, one liner genius, beautiful soul.  And I miss him. 

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 279}

More background!!

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 278}

Filling in the background!

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 277}

Working on tones and getting into the background.  Last night was my substitute art teacher, Mr. Kromer, celebration of his life and artwork at Mulberry Studios.  My husband and I went from piece to piece, in complete awe of such talent.  The layers upon layers of mixed media pulled from the depths of his soul, now on paper.  He is a talented artist, mentor, father, son, beautiful soul - gone too soon.  He will be greatly missed.  So blessed to know a piece of his art was set aside for me, so thankful, so grateful to have known him.   

On the way home as I was driving, a HUGE brown owl was hopping in front of my car in an instant.  Massive outstretched wings and giant eyes, I swerved around him in the road.  My husband and I have been hoping ever since that he managed to get out of the path of other oncoming cars.  We feared him already hit by a car when we came across him.  So many animals swooping into our path.  Repeated visits by praying mantis at our home - slow down, choose the path carefully.  Hawks (yes, plural - there were TWO!!) swooping in front of our car on our way to and from a pow-wow last month - pay attention to underlying messages, be observant, see the bigger picture.  Black snake in the road on the way home from the pow-wow right in our path (again swerving around) - transformation, life changes, spiritual guidance.  And lastly the owl seen on the way home from Mr. Kromers life celebration, artwork - life changes, transition, many will come for knowledge and wisdom, quiet observation. 

Never in my life or my husbands have either of us had so many close encounters with hawks (two in one day???!!! both swooping in front of us!), black snakes in the path of our car, owls (not sure I've ever seen one so close up in nature) and the abundance of praying mantis in our backyard.  All of these sightings have only been in the last two months.  My husband and I definitely are paying attention, we were together for all these sightings.  We know big changes are in store for our family, a new job for my husband that is a dream job for him (brewer at Samuel Adams Brewery), eventually moving north (closer to dear friends)and my drawings (I've already been approached for commission by several persons).  We are ready to embrace everything God and our Universe have to offer us.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 276}

The boys are almost finished, minor changes and adjustments.  Started working on the background.  Today I put the Aegirine crystal in my hand and held it for a few moments, meditating with it.  Then I laid it on my drawing paper as I worked.

When I attended the MUM Expo last week I was looking at crystals and minerals at the Odds and Ends Corner and one of the owners happened across me and we started discussing crystals and minerals.  He asked me what I do, I told him I was an artist.  He asked me if I'd ever seen Aegirine, no - I haven't.  He went over plucked a piece and put it in my hand, told me it would eliminate negative thoughts, replace them with positive and help me to follow my heart.  So I got home, researched it further and found all this information about a mineral I never knew existed!

Crystal Vaults provided this definition of Aegirine:
The beautiful, black blades of Aegirine rise from its host rock like the legendary Sword in the Stone waiting for someone to draw upon its power to make all things right. A Stone of Integrity and Self, Aegirine is a most noble crystal, aligning with one's truest convictions in life and providing the courage and confidence to follow those convictions. It encourages acceptance of self and others, and to follow the heart.

With its connection to the earth and the natural world, Aegirine activates a strong, protective energy, guarding the aura and physical body, as well as fortifying the Spirit in times of difficulty. It eliminates negative thoughts, energies and attachments, and replaces them with the Light of the positive. It promotes wholeness and healing.

Aegirine is a member of the Pyroxene group, a sodium iron silicate that forms as long, prismatic crystals often terminated by a steep asymmetrical pyramid. It may also form as compact and fibrous disseminated grains. Opaque to translucent, it is dark in color, most often black, though sometimes greenish-black or brownish-black, and is commonly found in alkali-rich volcanic rock. Discovered in Norway, Aegirine is named for the Norse god of the sea, Aegir, and is also known as Acmite, from the Greek word meaning "point."

Interesting stuff.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 275}

Shirts, pants, arms and hands are currently under construction.  Starting to really feel good about this portrait.  Was reflecting with my husband about all the loss of beautiful souls lately.  Just this year we lost two good friends.  It will seem like eternity till we meet again. 

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 274}

 

Still working on clothing.  Slowly darkening so to not muss the paper.  

Today was a rough day.  Really rough.  In the last few months I reconnected with my high school substitute art teacher,  Mr. Kromer, through my high school art teacher Mr. Huck.  I will never forget my art teachers.  They impressed upon me so many things.  Everything I know about art comes from them.  Their critiques, their suggestions, their undying love of art.  I would not be who I am today without Mr. Kromer and Mr. Huck.  Before Mr. Kromers passing, I was able to purchase a print of his art that I very much admired.  Savage Bliss.  The most breathtaking piece of art I've come across in a long while.  I long awaited the message that the print was signed, numbered and ready for pickup.  The day came and went and today I was able to pick up the print.  I excitedly headed over but when the door opened and Mr. Kromer was not standing, ready to greet me....."he passed on this morning" were the quiet words spoken by his mother and hand motions made to enter the home.  I was overcome with overwhelming grief at the loss of a mentor, gifted artist and wonderful man.  So very thankful to have known him.  He helped shape who I am as an artist.  

Another stark reminder that life is so very precious.  So stop wasting time.

Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Neil {day 273}

Working on clothes.  Getting there.

In case you forgot where this all started or you are just joining us on this journey, this post explains this portrait.  And Dearly Departed Drawings explains my beginning.