Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Kole {day 339}

June 20, 2008

"Today I had my first major meltdown. It was the first time I actually had to breakdown and call to talk to someone (August). It all started right off the bat this morning when I arrived at the hospital and was told that Kole had just vomited up his entire breakfast, all over the floor and daddy. Oh no, I thought, he really needs nourishment now and I just felt he got so cheated...he ate so well and then it all came back up. On top of that, the nurse said he wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything else for the rest of the day because he was going to be getting a lot of tests done. Right before I arrived and walked into the puke incident, his heartbeat had spiked and his respiratory rate had gone sky-high. I was told that he had a movement around the same time, and my mommy-gut told me that this isn't the first time he's struggled to "get-it-out" and I figured that's why he had the rapid heartbeat and breathing. But the doctors were worried and there were people running in and out of the room, and I got so freaked out. They drew blood and another parade came into the room, the echocardiogram guy showed back up and did another echo, which showed that the fluid around the heart went up again slightly, which could be the cause, but it really wasn't that much different from yesterday. Then we had to wait to get wheeled down 6 floors to the ultrasound area and they did an ultrasound on his neck and arms to see if Kole had a blood clot, but they found nothing. Then we went back to the room and Kole wasn't happy...So back to the drawing board, no one can quite figure out what caused this sudden spike. They are going to do another xray and echo again tomorrow (sigh). He puked the breakfast up at 8:30 am and he didn't eat all day. When it was dinner time, they still said no, and Kole was crying for juice and food. I got my way, and Kole finally grubbed out and kept everything down. Now he is happy in his room, watching Baby Einstein. His heartrate is still a little on the high side, but better than earlier, so I guess that's progress. I just feel better knowing he got nourishment today. He's well on his way to his next round of chemo and I just feel he needs to be built back up before they break him down again. Thank you to everyone who has left me uplifting messages, I have truly needed them today. Tonight I am going to get out for awhile and have dinner. I think it is much needed. God bless all of you for all of your love and prayers, this giant curtain of love is by the hand of God, and I know He is my son's almighty healer...."


Today I fixed a few things that were bothering me about Koles face.  I'm constantly shaping, shading and re-evaluating my work.  Adding and subtracting.  I often consider adding or subtracting journal entries.  Some of it is uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right to leave a single entry out, so I don't.  I imagine life was downright uncomfortable at that time for Kole and his family.  Maybe we all need this stark reminder to ignite us inside.  To remind us to be grateful with what we are given - some of us have less.  I really appreciate what Koles story is doing in my life.  Providing perspective.  Beautiful.