Dearly Departed Drawings ~ Kole {day 377}

A Time to Heal

February 26, 2009

"My husband and I took some time away this past month. After the hard year we endured, space and time was needed just to breathe and truly soak in what life threw at us this past year and what it means for us and where are we going from here............When your child has cancer you really just live minute to minute. Time seems to fade away into a myriad blur of white coats, beeping machines, glowing buttons in the night, screams, night sweats, heartache, emptiness, confusion, vulnerability, anger.........and it truly is a test just to hang on through every twist and turn, sometimes feeling that the worst has to be over, and then realizing a life without Kole is the worst, and that empty hole in our lives will be there every day to come and we will have to look it in the eye and just hang on. Hang on to what? No, who. We were fortunate enough to have had God with us every step of the way, who sent his son, Jesus Christ, to take away our sin, including all the burden we carry in our hearts over the pain our son endured and the death we faced, for He helps us carry it. And we feel so utterly blessed for our family and friends, who are to us as family, and are so deeply embedded in our hearts, right there with Kolebear.
All the fundraising that our communtiy did for us has just been mindblowing. We are so appreciative we cannot even begin to describe our thankfulness, and hope it inspires you to know that we, through you, have been able to extend help to those we've come across in our everyday lives who have needed it. And although we never got to take that one-last-family-vacation with our precious son, we did decide to go away for ourselves, for healing purposes, just the two of us. We spent 8 nights in San Diego and 7 nights in the San Francisco Bay area with family and friends, and then flew to Hawaii to spend 8 nights in a private beach house backed up against state conservation grounds on the most private end, of the oldest, most desolate island in the most secluded island chain in the world - Ha'ena, Kauai (Tunnels Beach). Everyone needs to come and see the island of Kauai at least once in their lives, get out your bucket lists. We got an immense amount of peace in this place, the clear turquoise waves seemingly taking your pain and love intermingles with the sloping majesty of the mountains, through the gentle island breezes, and into your heart and soul. Even in paradise, we cried our hearts out to the Lord I don't know how many times a day, and found it such a puzzle that we could be this inspired and loved by such an awesome God who created such an awesome world, and has given us such an awesome life and family by the grace of His hand, and yet has allowed so much grief and turmoil in our lives recently and what does this all mean......
After being away for 25 days I must say it is strange coming home. Back to the cold. Back to the pain. Back to Kole's room. Back to staring everything right in the face and not knowing what to do with it. I have to go and visit the doctor tonight for a follow up in the area of mental health. I hope you found this update insightful, I know so many people have been trying to contact us, but we just wanted to get away from everything. I mean EVERYTHING and everyone. It is what we needed and thanks for your respect and understanding. We are home now trying to adjust, so please give us time again, it is kind of like we are starting over again. We would like anyone who wants to come and visit us to please let us know, we definitely can arrange to have lunch, come over and see our pictures and videos from our awesome trip, I mean whatever, we are up for it. We do have the luxury of time on our hands right now, so just get in touch with us. We love you all so very much.
Anyone seriously interested in moving to Kauai please let us know, we are up for it, but need roomies. Joking. Kind of. Not really. May settle for California. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............
God's peace, grace and love to you as it has been to us"



Today I worked on the crib spindles and basket, paying attention to the smallest detail.  Renee updated a few times after Kole's departure and I will share them.  I also created a video of her collection of Kole photos from Carepages and her own stash.  You may need a flashplayer plugin to view the video if you are doing it mobile.  But its worth the trouble to see his beautiful face.  Fixing up last details this week and hoping to be in the final stages of my portrait drawing by next week.  The sit and stare, make small adjustments stage.  I can't wait to have this little bright shining light hanging on my wall in my living room with the rest of the gang.  Then Renee will be able to bring her light home and see him everyday.  Her story is so amazing, I am hoping she will share more with us.

 You can view Koles video here